welcome home

there are times when i feel content about a lot of things. today might be the time to do so. i can say that you were right in a lot of ways. maybe i'm not aware of it. maybe i'm too self-involved. the world's revolving and i'm just trying to push myself in it. the year's end and the next. a pat on the back would be a great compliment, a smile. i have no windows where i live, just a thick glass and looking out, illusions of water. you look small to me. i pretty much know what the next line would be and i'd rather pretend it's a surprise and i'd give you the response you want.

anguish

i suppress. a funny smile can bring the best in me. i hover like a vulture, enjoying the view, i can't smell judgement. i pushed to connect the death of happy. i knew the steps, i knew the consequences. there i was opening the door and inside,a parade of confusion. i'll sit in this room celebrating, breathing, waiting, hoping the rain can blend with my tears.

trust me

i usually start of with a question. but tonight was a really good evening! expectations are hard from people!! i never felt so free!@ it's not as painful. i thought it was. life can be so technical, when you look at it at that sense, well......there must be no freedom in what it feels!!! AND HOW LUCKY WE ARE THAT WE ARE ALIVE, AND EXPERIENCE EVERY SINGLE MOMENT, YES MOMENT THAT COMES YOUR WAY. WHAT A RISK!? NEVER DID I EVER SAY MY LEFT BRAIN NEVER CALLED, you did as always, just had to be there. just have to know where judgement can be a sweet surrrender. and where i am now can be temporary in your eyes, but i'm ok to say that i'm a dreamer and that's where my comfort lies and that's where i can breathe....that's where I WANT MY DESTINY TO "lie". honestly, in that word, that last word, interpret it in your own way, i'll still support it.

thank you

thank you for the time, for listening to every single breath that comes out of me. you sensed it, i felt it. thank you for lying and going by this moment that was rare in anyone's eyes and if it was them they'd know it was meant to be. thanks for the deceit that recognizes the essence, the beauty of love. thank you for reminding me how moments can't be recreated. thank you for agreeing with me and taking it. thank you for letting me taste the fine cuisine of creation. thank you for accepting the consequences, the guilt, the purity of all this. thank you for admiring the stars. thank you for making me feel at home. thank you for appreciating me for me. thank you for everything.

home

habits die old. wise words linger through sleepless nights, up like morning trying not to miss any given moment as it use to be, as she use to be. playing it in her head, rewinding hoping she didn't miss a beat..........as the story goes.

Spontaneity

Temporary, it might be but why not enjoy it. These connections, the past connecting to the future and so forth. To busy to think way ahead. There are many in this world to love, to thank, to hurt. It's so great to be reminded by it and seeing so differently. So unsure at times and it's alright to feel that way. To stress about something that's been carried around. Angry at times, YES, IT'S OK TO BE. To feel it in your senses, to share it with someone, anyone, random.....To make them smile. Feel that the timing is good as any time of day. To succeed, to be patient. To be right and wrong, two words that clash, the good and evil, ahhhh the differences. That line from that movie, "if I could die now, I'd be happy." everyday is a moment, everyday are questions and every question, every second of that question there is an answer.

happy easter

I had a my test today. A test of existing passion and temptation. My conscious lies beneath me and I ponder about what if? Cause and effect. I question if I'm right or nothing can phase me. I'm not the person to break someone else's rule I'm the type to break mine. And the evening keeps getting harder to sleep in. I like who I've become and what pleases my environments senses and I think I'm still trying to understand what it could be, how better it is to sleep again. The world needs more compassion in life's promises.

maybe now i can understand what "connections" really are. i guess it's really up to me and sometimes when you think you have that connection you unplug the last one you had. and you might not know that you actually need the last one to extend to the next one. you know it's like christmas lights, when one little bulb goes out the rest are all affected. ok bad analogy, but lights are important on a christmas tree. i have to think that everyhting is temporary and you have to sacrifice and reason whatever situation might be to not dig a deeper hole for myself. put all that dirt back in, bury it and shake the filty thoughts of my hands and walk away. oh man it's hard being the bigger person, i guess it's ok to be alone.

hello sunshine

Sometimes I get overly conscious and forget what I'm suppose to be doing. People have different defense mechanisms. It could make a room feel intense. I've been hanging out with inspiration all day today and it's an easy feeling to have. The eyes of sincerity and my naivete blend together. Someone to play along and agree and give something back is a great feeling. It's a slow process and I've calmed down and I think I like people again, and their weirdness.

new job, good coffee

started a new job. it's part time. selling coffee beans at the corner of broadway and aldine. i sit there thinking how the aroma of the store makes we want to jump up and down. coffee is like alcohol. it's addictive. people would come in and ask about our specials. wide-eyed, jittery telling me how they love coffee. ok buddy surely you wouldn't be in here if you didn't. i've never seen so many different gadgets and perculators for coffee. i grew up drinking instant. there's a way of making the right "foam" for a perfect cappucino. i think "foam" is disgusting. it reminds me of dried saliva when you wake up in the morning cuz you drooled all night dreaming of panda bears doing cartwheels. there's a special way to grind coffee, it depends on your coffee maker. auto drip, french press..etc..whatever. sometimes i just don't know what to tell people. "what's good coffee?" anything that compliments your donut in the morning? still learning..it's a low key kinda store and i like it. coffee drinkers are very interesting people.

funalogue

no one really listens. people would go blah, blah, blah and their mind wanders off somewhere else. you can always tell because they're tongue usually sticks out and blink their eyes constantly. everyone wants to talk, wants to be a teacher an inspirer. so self absorbed because when it's your turn to talk it's usually "i've had that happen to me" or "i know what you're saying" or "what i would do" or "where have you been, been there done that" or my least favorite, "don't get me wrong, but it's time for lunch." no time to listen. like to sit in silence. and i think that's the most important thing and right now,i am just rambling. too much rambling i'm not even listening. maybe i talk too much. or maybe i'm just talking to the wrong people who has wax build up in their ears. mouth moving.......................mind wandering and damn i'm hungry!